My Peace of Mind

So, what do you do if your boyfriend doesn't have a job and you're the one who's supporitng him? Cody's been out of employment for almost a year and it's killing me. I'm so broke it's not even funny. And now I have to take extra hours at work to keep up with my bills and stuff. I nearly ahve the time to focus on school already with him distracting me all the time and now I have to add more shifts to take me away from school even more. And lately, it's been really crappy living at his house cus his mom doens't seem to like me and won't tell me what I've done to annoy her so I've been thinking about just moving out and cody won't let me do that. He siad if I do that, then it meant I didn't love him. Lately everything I tell him which is usually how I feel, he'd get upset with me and assume that it meant I don't love him. But that is never the case. It really breaks me down when he thinks that guys. He makes me feel so bad and shitty about it.....and it makes me feel like the worse girlfriend anyone could ever have. I guess maybe I just am one. I don't know. But anyway I don't know what to do. Anything I do seem wrong and now all I can think of is that everything I chose to do in life was all wrong and that's why I have to live like this. I'm scared about my fruture....I'm really worried that I'm gonna end up supporting him for the rest of my life. I'm scared taht I'll be comming home al the time and see him sit on the couch doing nothing or eating all my food and everything. I'm just so scared.....I dont' wanna be trailer trash...you guys know what I mean? And you know what?> He bought a nintendo WIi the other day....he used his Visa,....now he owes the bank thousands of dollars. Not only that, he's been spending a lot of his money on useless things. I dont' knwo what to do anymore.....I can't nag him to get a job becvause it would make him mad. He use all the money for himself but oculdn't use it to rend a place with me. He uses all his time to go out and lay on the couch but he can't fix my car. God, sometimes I wish my life was like jen's....fun and carefree and have a boyfriend whos so caring and ambitious. Maybe deserves this...I dont' know...I just need some ehlp. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I really taht terrible. I dotn' know what to think anymore....it's just tearing me apart...:(

So I've been dreading for the 26th and the 27th to come........it's already been a year ago since the abortion. Can you guys believe it? Wow, I'm not taking it so well tho.....it's been haunting me and the day hasn't even come yet. I dont know how I'm gonna go through the rest of this week, it sure is gonna be tough. ugh.. Anyway so, crazy thing jsut happened. lol Graham just send me a message on msn and apparently he was in Quesnel two months ago. I guess this is a small world after all. Imagine meeting him again and then seeing gordo lol.....what could get worse. Dude, I think I need some help...I obviously suck at committing lol. God, somebody take my hormones away lol. oh and grahams like, I gotta go but I'd really like it if you email me sometime....I was like um whaaaaat? lol oh god, it's like high school all over again. Yikes! Anyway, I miss you guys....wish I could see both of you and drink coffee like old times. Lvoe you guys sooo much and take care! Hugs*

I MISS YOU GIRLS....WISH WE COULD GO TO COFFEE LIKE WE USE TO. I REALLY MISS THOSE TIMES! ANYWAY, HOPE ALL IS WELL.....IT'S BEEN PRETTY CRAZY FOR ME BUT IM HOPEING THAT THE NEW YEAR WILL CALM DOWN A BIT. WELL MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU...TAKE CARE

Hey guys, just wanted to say hi all the way from hong kong. It's crazy over here with all the asians...haha~ i'm starting to feel uncomfortable....hmmm now i know how you guys feel. hah~ Anyway i'm having a lot of fun here and it's really puting my mind off Cody, thank God. It's about time. I still have about a week and a half left till I leave and there's so much planed..it's great. i'm excited for tomorow and the next day and the others. hehe~ i hope you guys are doig fine.....Tamara, hows ur packing doing?

love you guys!

Hey guys, sorry that I havn't written in here for a while. I've been busy with just work and school especially. My dad and liz are in hong knong still and Cody's in quesnel for a week so I miss them a lot. And of course I miss you guys a lot too....but ya I've just been at school or work most of the time and my internet is down for the last couple days too so it's been hard for me to update. But anyway things are ok...jsut ok....I'm getting stressed out as usual and still wish taht some thigns never happened. I guess you can say I've been really hard on myself. All I've been doing is make myself do things to not think about bad things...I don't know...I'm just confused about where my life is going and too afraid to admit all the truths that are comming to me. Do I even make sense...I dont' think so..lol but I have to go to class so I'll try to update soon...sorry again and thanx for being great friends. Love you guys and miss you guys soooo much!!!

DANIELLE, I HOPE EVERYTHING WENT OK TODAY, I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU. PLS LET ME KNOW WHAT THE SITUATION IS WHENVER YOU CAN. THANX. JUST RMEMEBER BEST FRIENDS FOREVER....AND I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU!

So I had a pretty good day today. Got a call from school letting me know some of the changes on my courses which actually made my schedule so much better. I think this is gonna be a good semester.....or at least I hope so. hehe~ Havn't made any new friends yet but I have a good feeling I will make more than I did last semester so yay. Anyway, I don't really know what else to type about but hugs to Danielle and Tamara:)

I hate the feeling of ignorance especially from someone who says they love me....ahh.....it makes me feel small and left out. Anyway, looks like a new year has come and the only thing I can thnk of is my best friend comming back soon! It's gonna be great....I can't wait. Feeling too tired to keep typing tho....need to sleep....gd night~

Danille and tammara: I miss you guys! I felt lonely today but thought about when you guys would be there for me when I was down...it made me feel better.....thanx for your memories...looking forward to the day we all meet! And tamamra.....call me when you get back from ur trip..thanx

Danielle I here! Talk to me!